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Today, I was reminded why it is I don't go to Six Flags...by going to Six Flags. Six Flags is where diabetes kills your sense of adventure. Six Flags is a place to show off your new neck tattoo. I believe Six Flags coupons are given to newly paroled felons. If you don't understand my hate for the people who enjoy going to Six Flags; you enjoy going to Six Flags...and please stop enjoying my comedy. I go to Six Flags for the Rollercoasters, but I leave asking questions like, "Seriously, who would fuck that and HOW could she believe in god?" I sweat my balls off from 2:30 in the p.m., road 5 rollercoasters, and waited in some of the dumbest and fattest lines in America. More Flags, More Dumb!
The ashamed woman said, "They be sumptin' wrong wit my seet!" There was nothing wrong "wit her seet"; she was too fat to ride the fucking rollercoaster! And you could see it stung her pride, but it was also clear from the way she handled it, that some other "amusement" park has had the same conversation with her. First, how do you get told, "You're too fat to ride this rollercoaster," and not immediately go force yourself to vomit. "You know what? I'd like to lose the weight the healthy way, but I need to get a jump start on this." She stood there while her ____________________(Pick one of the following: mother, sisters, aunts, grandmothers, granddaughters, friends, posse, crew, cousins, or gang members) went on the ride, and when they pulled back into the station she asked the same sad question, "Was it fun? It looked like fun; I bet it was fun. Maybe next year, but who am I kidding?"
I rode a ride called The Penguin's Glacier River or some shit like that. It was a water ride and you sit in a circular inner-tube. Along with me and my two roommates, our other passengers were all dressed in Clemson University hats and tee shirts. I went to college in Clemson. I start a conversation. I looked at the _____________________(Pick one of the following: father, brother, cousin, first cousin, husband) and said, "I attended Clemson." He shot is hand in my direction for a firm shaking and replied, "That's all you had to say!" As if this penguin ride was about to get weird and no matter what happened, he had my back because I attended the University of his favorite football team. I guessed that he had not attended Clemson by his tattoos, but it was his dental plan that gave it away. When you have three rows of of teeth on your bottom gum, it doesn't scream GRADUATE! The funniest part of the ride was when the little boy lost his hat in the water. He didn't even feel it leave his head. He was just a jabbering, "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy...that thang is like a merry-go-round, but faster. Daddy my hats in the water. Dang! Daddy 'at ride right der was fast. Daddy get my hat outta dat wata."
Why do I always feel that I'm going to get Hepatitis in those places? I actually know why I have that fear. It's because I see the way they present themselves, and I just think, "How could they not shit in the pool?" They're eating smoked turkey legs, drinking 38 oz. shots of soda; which they get free refills for cause they paid $12.99 for the "collectors cup"*, and their fat asses are on display for all to see through their wet bathing suits, because Cleitus and Rolanda needed to visit the water park before riding Superman. Fuck those people. I have no sympathy for the willfully ignorant. It's 2008 and even those people know how to use the Internet. Let me ask you something, "Is Dale Earnhardt Jr. fat?" No, he isn't. Sorry, let me put it in their language. "Why is y'all all like Boss Hog, when you need to be in shape like them Duke boys?" I bet those people get Funyions as Christmas presents. *(If you collect cups from Six Flags you have wasted your life and you should just go ahead and end it. I don't want to be mean, but let's call a dud a dud.)
Six Flags is Six Flags. I don't think it's ever changed. It's for kids and for ignorant people who don't know no better that have kids too. It's fast rides, fast food, and slow lines. I don't understand the logic. I guess in really pursuing that Hollywood "vibe", they felt it appropriate to include the "Hurry Up and Wait" factor. I won't be going back to Six Flags or any other "amusement" park for quite some time. Hopefully, it won't be until I die. I can only assume that Six Flags is hell, and I keep hearing that I'm going there.
Life's a rollercoaster...keep ya motherfuckin' hands up!
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